Mondo Baltimore

Everyone needs some Mr. T on a big screen in their life

There are few things more irritating to me than bloggers who go long lengths of time without posting, and then come back to apologize incessantly.  The one thing that may irk me more are hypocrites  and tonight, I am both.  I'm so sorry.  I could make excuses about poor time management, about working too many jobs in too little time, about my toilet exploding like a fountain yesterday, but it doesn't change the fact that I have dropped the ball.

Hell, indeed, comes to Frogtown

In one of my other lives, I highlight events for the Baltimore Fishbowl.  Because of this, I am perpetually aware of the ongoings in the city, no matter how bizarre.  Let me tell you, though, that many of them are quite bizarre.  One of my favorite finds in scouring local calendars and creeping on people's Facebook events has been Mondo Baltimore.  On the first Thursday of each month, Mondo Baltimore commandeers the Wind Up Space and screens a particularly painful movie.  Since my discovery of this wonderful concept, they've shown "Cool as Ice," Vanilla Ice's "Rebel Without a Cause" 1991 remake, Mr. T's "Greatest Man in the World," and just last week I was lucky enough to catch the incredibly atrocious "Hell Comes to Frogtown."

There was much, "YOU'RE DRUNK MOM, GO HOME"

Not only are the movies so bad they're wonderful, the commentary is top-notch.  It's like a live version of MST3K with quality heckling and mocking.  Drinking game rules are placed around the bar, so you can follow along should you choose.  For $2, you get unlimited popcorn and are entered into the nightly raffle.  Gifts are often related to the movie, or are sometime just $25 to your bar tab.  Trust me, if you go just once, it will instantly become tradition.

Duckpin Bowling: A Baltimore Pasttime

Anything related to sports or general athleticism never has been and never will be up my alley.  I've written about this in other places, but it bears repeating. It's not that I'm against fitness or some good 'ol fashioned athletic competition, it truly is that I'm just bad at it.  I'm bad at all of it.  I hike because it takes serious skill to mess up walking, even though I managed that back in September when I sprained my ankle on an eight-mile solo hike in the rain in the Blue Ridge.  Safety first, everyone.

Scrabble, proudly singing all the lyrics to R. Kelly's "Remix to Ignition," and eating are all forms of competition I can get behind.  A trifecta of the aforementioned would equate to something that resembles my nirvana.  When I'm feeling particularly limber and in-shape, I'll try putt putt or bowling.  

Baltimore is home to Duckpin bowling.  Wikipedia informed me that other locations claim to be the founders of duckpin, but I'm standing with Baltimore on this one.  The best place, hands down, for duckpin bowling in the city is the Patterson Bowling Center. It's a wonderful dive of a place where you BYOB and occasionally have to precariously walk down the gutters to retrieve your balls that haven't quite made it back to you.  The bathroom stall doesn't lock and sometimes you get to bowl an extra frame because the computer just didn't pick up your last one.  It is one of the best places in the city.

If you like fancy bowling with bells and whistles, definitely keep going.  If you're all about old-fashioned, shoe-spraying, grease on your hands from the never-cleaned balls while you enjoy the well-priced beverage of your choosing that you brought (gluten-free beer from the Wine Source, since you asked), Patterson Bowling Center is the place for you.  It is, in fact, the oldest operating duckpin alley in the country!

Important pointers provided for free.

I went this past Friday night, stopping at Johnny Rad's for dinner.  One of the folks in our party was a duckpin novice, and while we were giving him the rundown of all the glories that awaited him across the street, our server goes, "Are you going to Patterson Lanes?  I LOVE THAT PLACE."

Everyone loves duckpin.  Don't you love duckpin?  You should love duckpin, and if you don't, it must be because you have yet to go.  So call ahead and reserve your lanes at Patterson Bowling Center.  I promise you the battle for parking by the park is absolutely worth it.

Friends taking their duckpin seriously.  Duckpin is no joking matter.

The American Visionary Arts Museum

My sister came to visit me this weekend from DC and I had planned a whole slew of Baltimore-specific activities for us.  Many of these were tabled due to midday margaritas at Holy Frijoles that led to midday naps, and discovering while walking the dog this morning that some lovely human being had broken into my car last night.  After rummaging through my old receipts, gum wrappers, reusable grocery bags and broken FM adapter, my belongings were deemed unworthy of theft, and I've just been left with a broken window.  On the bright side, I've been singing, "Walking on Broken Glass" all day and am now sporting a trash bag over my window until the glass replacement man comes tomorrow.  It makes my car look ultra-urban.  I feel as though I've passed Baltimore's hazing process and can now proudly say that I've fully acclimated to this city.

All that being said, we still did many wonderful things on our Sister Adventure Weekend in Charm City.  We perused the shops of Hampden, I stocked up on well-priced whites at the Wine Source, visited the Book Thing, bought more produce than I could ever consume at the Farmers Market, and took the dogs for a stroll at Patterson Park.   We also visited the American Visionary Arts Museum, a place I've been pining to go to since the day I moved.

I am an art museum junkie, and the AVAM did not disappoint.  While the BMA and the Walters offer wonderful collections, the AVAM offers works that otherwise would never be curated.  It's appreciating that art can come from anyone and anywhere, not just those who have the means and circumstances.  Their collection absolutely blew me away.

I absolutely bought myself a one-year membership.  I couldn't not.  Especially after going to the Kinetic Sculpture Race this past May.

Other Exciting Baltimore Activities to Do with One's Sister
-make risotto
-drink wine
-not leave the apartment on a Saturday night
-tape a bag to a car
-play with your respective pets
-rate different brands of Greek yogurt (Oikus > Safeway Select.  Always)

The Book Thing

Let me introduce you to the best thing in this city, bar none.  This is saying quite a bit, because I really do have serious love for the farmer's market.  The Book Thing , located on Vineyard Lane on the outskirts of Charles Village, is a magical place where you bring old books you no longer want and can pick up new ones for free.  Or, perhaps you just want to pick up books.  That's completely fine as well. It's all provided at no cost whatsoever.

I recently heard a Stoop Story podcast where Russell Wattenberg, creator of The Book Thing, explained the story behind what is now what other, larger cities lust after.  It's not only a wonderful concept, it's completely commendable.  Why not give up your old books to people who may want to read them?

The whole set-up is just like walking into the Christmas Happiness Warehouse for Nerds.  Just this past weekend, I found an almost-mint condition of Bill Bryson's "A Walk in the Woods."  I always explore the humor section, the classics, the cookbooks, travel books that are 20+years out of date...  Scouring the shelves is an adventure in and of itself.  So, if you're new to Charm City, hit it up.  Get some free books!