Mondo Baltimore

Everyone needs some Mr. T on a big screen in their life

There are few things more irritating to me than bloggers who go long lengths of time without posting, and then come back to apologize incessantly.  The one thing that may irk me more are hypocrites  and tonight, I am both.  I'm so sorry.  I could make excuses about poor time management, about working too many jobs in too little time, about my toilet exploding like a fountain yesterday, but it doesn't change the fact that I have dropped the ball.

Hell, indeed, comes to Frogtown

In one of my other lives, I highlight events for the Baltimore Fishbowl.  Because of this, I am perpetually aware of the ongoings in the city, no matter how bizarre.  Let me tell you, though, that many of them are quite bizarre.  One of my favorite finds in scouring local calendars and creeping on people's Facebook events has been Mondo Baltimore.  On the first Thursday of each month, Mondo Baltimore commandeers the Wind Up Space and screens a particularly painful movie.  Since my discovery of this wonderful concept, they've shown "Cool as Ice," Vanilla Ice's "Rebel Without a Cause" 1991 remake, Mr. T's "Greatest Man in the World," and just last week I was lucky enough to catch the incredibly atrocious "Hell Comes to Frogtown."

There was much, "YOU'RE DRUNK MOM, GO HOME"

Not only are the movies so bad they're wonderful, the commentary is top-notch.  It's like a live version of MST3K with quality heckling and mocking.  Drinking game rules are placed around the bar, so you can follow along should you choose.  For $2, you get unlimited popcorn and are entered into the nightly raffle.  Gifts are often related to the movie, or are sometime just $25 to your bar tab.  Trust me, if you go just once, it will instantly become tradition.

Where to Live: A Tangential Discussion of Neighborhoods and Later I Mention Bikes For Some Reason

One of the biggest hurdles I encountered before I even moved here was where to look for housing.  I knew absolutely nothing about this city beyond the aquarium, and was relying on what Wikipedia had to say.  This conveniently pointed me away from the Bayview region, but didn't give me any idea of the difference between the ones I could seriously consider.  Having lived here for a bit now, I know the differences are vast.  I just needed someone to tell me.  A friend of a friend from many lifetimes ago lived in the city and suggested her neighborhood to me.  That is the very anticlimactic story of how I ended up in lovely Mount Vernon - someone I hadn't spoken to in years said, "I like it!" and that was good enough for me.  Luckily, she's a great person with wonderful taste, and I love it here.  While I appreciate and love the appeal of other neighborhoods in this city, I am proud to be a Mount Vernonite and have no plans of changing that anytime soon.

If you're new to Bmore and know little about this city, know this: Neighborhoods are a big deal.  This city is essentially comprised of a ton of small towns within an incredibly close vicinity.  Hampden has its quirks and hipsters, Highlandtown has a large concentration of latinos.  Station North has the artsy hipsters and MICA kids (look mom, I made a synonym!) and your frattier post-college scenes are more likely to be found in Canton, Fells Point and Federal Hill.  I feel like I've shared this link on every possible social media site, but I wish I had this map when I first got here.  I can't accredit who made it, but I found it via the amazing City That Breeds.

Washington Monument in Mount Vernon

Think about what you enjoy, where you are in life, how close you want to be to your office, your price range, what proximity you prefer to be to violent murders, etc.  What I love about Mount Vernon that I can walk to museums, an array of great bars, have access to a free bus, and regularly decide to be lazy and not go to yoga, but know I have the option if I want to! Artscape is right outside my door, I can walk to the massive Farmer's Market (no, you can't make me shut up about the market.  My love will not be silenced!), I can hop on a Bolt Bus to New York or nab Amtrak to anywhere I don't feel like taking my car.

The cons. 

Street parking is horrible.  Well, it's not horrible per say, there is available parking.  The consequences of street parking aren't lovely.  My poor little car has had it rough since moving here.  It's been scratched up, dented, broken into, knicked, bumped and bruised.  I've only gotten one parking ticket, but I know others who have had it far worse.  Baltimore does not mess around with its parking, and I'm fairly certain this is because they need to find creative ways to pay for our newfound inundation. 

I dislike that the only grocery store is Eddie's of Mount Vernon, and that it took me MONTHS to discover it.  Eddie's, while wonderful, convenient  and sells wine and beer which is a rarity in Maryland grocery stores, is expensive for what they're selling you.  I have purchased more last-minute produce of questionable quality for far more than I should've paid for than I care to admit.  Look, a girl can't make a lemon torte without a lemon, okay?

My Mount Vernon complaints become null and void when one introduces a bike into the mix.  With a bike, I could get to other stores more easily and not have to worry about losing my awesome parking spot.  I could join the Bike Party every month for more than just their after-party, and not have to feel guilty about regularly skipping yoga, because my transportation would also be my exercise!  Alas, bikes are not presently in the cards for me for unexciting reasons, but you should get one!  Cut back on emissions, get fit, make fun friends, don't buy overpriced, under ripe lemons.

So you're new to Bmore?  Research neighborhoods!  Make a pros and cons list, know your price range, and find people on Twitter/the Blogosphere to ask.  LiveBaltimore has a thorough list, but I personally found it a little overwhelming when I first started the hunt.  Just stay calm, research and ask questions.  The best way to get to know these neighborhoods is to talk to the people that live in them.  The people make up the neighborhoods and help shape them into the communities they are today.

Artscape

There are few things I support more than the plight of the artist.  I think art, in all of its forms, is a crucial component of a civilized society, and I regularly make a point of exposing myself to it in Baltimore.  (Look for posts on museums, theaters, local venues and bands, etc on another yet-to-be-determined date)

I don't know if you know this, but Artscape is kind of a big deal.  Back in 2009, I made the drive up from DC suburbia with some friends because I desperately wanted to see Cake.  I knew nothing about Baltimore, I knew nothing about Artscape, I just knew I wanted to see Cake.  We were an odd group, and while seeing Cake was fantastic and I remember thinking Baltimore was quirkier than I had given it props for in the past, what I most recall from that day were high temperatures and short tempers.  When house hunting with my sister last September, two weeks before I was to start my job, I remember walking down Charles Street and it all hitting me like I'd just walked into a wall - I'd been here before.  I'd seen this hideous statue before, I'd seen this theater.  Fate would have it that I'd move into this area, and I would come to love it.

I love Club Charles, I love that heinous statue, I love the sound of Amtrak as I go to bed, I love Brewer's Art, I love Single Carrot, I love everything that made me reconsider Baltimore three years ago.

But this is not about my love for midtown and Station North.  No.  This is about Artscape.

Artscape is massive.  As their website brags, "3 Days, 350,000 people."  It's the largest free arts festival in the United States.  This is fantastic.  No, honestly, it is.  One of the things I love so much about Baltimore is how well it treats its artists.  We give them nice spaces like this (and this!) at affordable(ish) prices, and sometimes they even let us come over and see what they're up to.  Artscape allows local artists the opportunity to showcase their work to a massive audience, whereas otherwise they may not have gotten so much publicity.  This is all fantastic - honestly.  As someone who loves and appreciates both art and artists, I think Artscape is commendable and I am personally looking forward to attending it.

Now, here is my beef.


I live in the surrounding regions of where Artscape is held.  I have plans Saturday night in the 'burbs.  (I can't miss Wine Club AGAIN!  Who will do the dramatic readings of the descriptions on the bottle??)   Between Artscape, my dog, parking, street closures, water main breaks downtown, and Netflix filming "House of Cards" in the city this week, I'm pretty much trapped.  Those 350,000 Artscape attendees?  They'll be in my neighborhood.  They'll be drunk on my front stoop at godforsaken hours of the morning.  They'll be stealing my prime parking spaces.  They'll be wanting to talk to me about my dog when I just want him to take a dump and keep moving.  They'll move into my bars (stay away from Dionysus!) and clog my bus. 


This weekend, as a result, is going to take impressive maneuvering on behalf of myself and my dear, dear, patient, friends.  The dog is being shuttled out of the city before Artscape begins.  I am evacuating on the Light Rail, to return in time, god willing, for the Farmers Market.  I do want to see Artscape, and  again, I'm excited and proud that it's in Baltimore.  All I'm saying is you never see them shut down the streets  and make a huge deal out of showcasing what I do for a living.  Do you know what neighborhoods I inconvenience with my livelihood?  NONE.  

That being said, if you're new to Bmore, get yourself to Artscape!  Go see what awesome talent lies in this city.  Go take my parking spaces.  Go innundate my bartenders with your questions like, "What's Natty Boh?"  Go enjoy yourself!  (but seriously, don't you dare drive in)